Rebuilding anything, in general, kind of sucks. Even if you wanted that thing torn down.
One year ago today, I was fired from my job of eight years.
While part of me would prefer not to put that out there, the other part of me wants you to know this story, at least the short version with only the really important parts mentioned. The executive director and I didn't get along. He wasn't the person that hired me, and he moved me from a job I enjoyed (mostly) to one I didn't (mostly). I knew I was going to get fired eventually. I had been praying to be fired. It was a good thing for me. It really, truly was a great thing. When he fired me, he called me toxic and told me I was terrible at my job.
I was happy to be fired, but I'd been dealing with his dislike for three years and had just been told I was an awful human being and employee. A year later, I can still hear him telling me that. It hurts a lot less now, thanks to being out of the situation, a lot of therapy, and lots of people I worked with telling me to ignore him.
I'm in the process of rebuilding that part of my life. The foundation of my work life was completely destroyed. I'll be honest with you: I'm only now beginning to lay the first few stones. I sat in the dust and rubble for several months, dirty and hurting.
I have a new job. I'm basically doing the same thing I was when I got fired, but I'm working for a church now instead of a state agency. My boss, the church pastor, tells me I'm doing a good job. His wife called to tell me how excited he was that they had hired me. The people in the church are friendly and kind and happy to have me here. It's a part time job, it's quiet, and I have three day weekends.
I wanted to mark the day because it's the day I was set free. But at the same time, my world was torn apart.
Shit happens. I'm a Christian, but I don't think that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes shit just happens, our worlds are ripped apart, and all we can do is sit in the dirt and rubble, catch our breath, and rebuild. We have to grieve, take care of ourselves, and begin to heal. We have to understand that it's much easier to say those words than it is to live them. In the process of being gentle with myself, I've had to question if I'm being gentle with myself or if I'm just being lazy. I quit writing, I started writing again. I quit writing again. I sat on the couch a lot and binge watched netflix shows. I looked at a lot of job postings and got frustrated nearly every time I did so.
Rebuilding is difficult and it sucks. But the value in it is that when you start to clean up what's left, you can look at every single old stone and decide how it will fit into the new foundation. Some of the old parts of your life are shattered and have to be discarded, but some of them are just scratched up. You might have to polish them up for quite some time, but when you get done, you'll have these gleaming, glossy, shiny stones that are stronger because they've been refined.
At least I hope so. I'm still in the process of refining and being refined. A year later, I'm a little stronger than I was. I'm a little more hopeful about my life. I don't dread each morning anymore and marvel that there are still people in this world who are so nice to me. I feel like I can breathe again.