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I would be the worst liquor sales person ever.

I look at a lot of different websites to find freelance writing jobs, but my go-to site is  I also keep an eye on local jobs (via Indeed) just to see if there's anything interesting out there.

One job ad I've seen recently is for a sales clerk at Binny's Beverage Depot.  If you're not familiar with Binny's, it's a warehouse full of booze.  I know that because of this commercial:


And then there's this most recent one, which cracks me up every time I watch it:

So what I'm getting from these commercials is that Binny's employees are able to ride around the store on Segways all day long while singing drinking songs.  I've never been on a Segway before and don't know any actual drinking songs (Does "3000 bottles of beer on the wall" count as an actual drinking song?), but I'm a decent driver and can carry a tune.  It might be fun to talk to people about their favorite beers and other booze.

But this is what the conversation would look like if they asked me about my favorites:

Customer: So what's your favorite red wine?  I'm looking for a new one.

Me:  Ew. I hate red wine.  It's gross.

Customer:  I'm looking for a new beer.  What's the best one?

Me: Zima.

Customer:  Uh, didn't they quit making Zima in like 1995?  And it wasn't really a beer, was it?

Me:  :::shrugs::::  I dunno.

Customer:  I need a recommendation for vodka.  What do you like?

Me:  Oh, man, I can't drink vodka.  It raises my body temperature and I start removing  clothing.

Customer:  That's an interesting party game...

To get hired, I'd have to get through an interview first:

Interviewer:  So, at Binny's, we like to hire people that are knowledgable about our products.  We provide training, of course, but we also want people who can personally appreciate the good attributes of different kinds of beer, wine, and other liquors.  So what do you drink?

Me:  Me?  Oh, I drink a lot of water and decaf coffee.  And the occasional cup full of Bailey's.  I really like Bailey's.  And sometimes, if I'm feeling really fancy, I put a little paper umbrella in my cup of Bailey's.  Or even my cup of coffee.

Interviewer: :::gives me slight stinkeye::::

Me:  OK, you got me.  I was totally lying about the little paper umbrella.

I like to talk about it being five o'clock somewhere and getting tanked on margaritas after a long day.  The truth is that I'm not much of a drinker.  I never have been, and since I'm almost 42, I really doubt that's going to change anytime soon. I'm such a lightweight that I start feeling the alcohol after two or three sips of my margaritas, which Jeff assures me is improbable and just in my head.

The thought of working at Binny's or another liquor store makes me laugh, because I'd be the absolute worst sales clerk there.


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